Enough is enough (aka never say never)

We are a family of four. Father Badger, Baby Badger (age three), Badger Cub (almost six months) and myself. Mum & Dad with son & daughter. We are complete. My pregnancies were far from hard, and my labours short, but quite frankly I'm 36 years old and done with baby making.

Father Badger knows this and hasn't raised any objections, although he always jokes that we should have two and a spare. I sold all my maternity gear on Ebay as soon as my postpartum belly had shrunk enough not to need it, just to make sure my position was clear.

I'm halfway through my second twelve month stint of maternity leave, returning to work in January. Luckily we can afford the childcare for two, but three would probably cripple us, plus my career in IT would probably not survive another baby. The grandparents (who currently lend a lot of practical support) are in their mid sixties, so will be mid seventies by the time Badger Cub goes to secondary school.

I'm done. Really. So why is a part of me not done? A little voice keeps whispering in my head.

Maybe menopause is approaching and Mother Nature is sounding the alarm. (Awooga awooga, time is running out.)

I've sold my maternity clothes as I won't be needing them. (After all, you are losing weight so you'll need a smaller size next time.)

Should I save the cosleeper crib for my friend or should we sell it? (Or maybe keep it for number three...)

Is this normal?

Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My Body, My Birth Badge, My Choice

I came across this image in my Facebook feed today. Take a moment to read its message...

That's a tall order for me currently.

I've always been dumpy to a degree, even back in primary school. I'm now a size 18 and not in great physical shape. At just under eight weeks postpartum I am out of maternity clothes and back into my jeans, which I am pleased about, but it's hardly the size and shape I want to be.

I've never had a huge amount of confidence in my appearance and to a degree have chosen to ignore my extra pounds, wearing baggy clothes and using a vast amount of boisterous character to distract. I guess it works more or less, but I certainly feel as though I'm the token tubber in my circle of friends.

Part of that lack of confidence can probably be attributed to my mother, who has always struggled with weight and has been on one diet or another for my entire life. It's worth noting that she recently found the diet that worked for her and has lost over four stone. It's also worth noting that having lost that weight she's been commenting on mine in her own inimitable style, for example she was concerned that I was actually putting on weight in pregnancy. There have been a few other unhelpful comments, none of them intended to hurt but still slightly infuriating.

I really don't want to pass that lack of confidence down another generation to Baby Badger (or Badger Cub for that matter, because image is also so important to boys nowadays), so it looks as though I need to give myself a virtual kick up the backside.

My Body. I have no one to blame but myself, but that also means that no one other than me is standing in my way.

My Birth Badge. I was talking to Father Badger earlier this evening about my stretch marks. I actually don't mind them: I've never been one for bikinis, so he and the little Badgers are the only ones likely to see them. I see them as a birth badge of honour, which is a good thing really - I really was huge by the time Badger Cub came out and the pattern on my tummy looks like a good bowl of spaghetti! I would however like them to be sitting on a tummy that was a bit less wobbly.

My Choice. It's up to me, entirely my choice, my decision, to get off my backside and do something about this. And it's time to do it.

Image: onyababy.com

Your Body, Your Birth, Your Choice

Do you watch One Born Every Minute or Call The Midwife? ITV are showing Home Delivery at 9 o'clock tonight, a documentary following an independent midwife in Kent.

You may not know that this October the government is bringing in legislative changes that are going to prevent independent midwives from practising, meaning that childbirth will be one of the few areas of healthcare where you will have no choices. Independent midwives have a huge amount of knowledge around childbirth that our NHS maternity units are generally lacking, and this knowledge and experience will be lost to us.

Independent Midwifery is widely recognised as the gold standard against which the NHS cannot compete (no doubt because of cost and staffing levels). The solution should not be to remove that gold standard so what remains becomes the norm.

There are a number of ways you can show your support:

Sign this petition urging the government to find a workable and affordable way for independent midwives to obtain the compulsary insurance and continue to practise

Join midwives, mums and other supporters in a peaceful protest in London on Monday 25th March, details on the Facebook ChooseYourMidwife page.

Most importantly, spread the word. Don't let our choices be quietly taken away from us.

Birth Story Take Two

Badger Cub is five weeks old today, so it's about time I wrote about the birth. It's going to be a long read: it's important that you know the background. The pregnancy has not been straightforward; not because there was anything wrong with me but because I didn't fit into standard pathways from the point of view of the NHS.

Baby Badger came out rather quickly - a three hour labour with us only just making it to the hospital before I started pushing. Understandably this made me rather nervous second time around and I was hoping, given that the labour was otherwise very straightforward, for a home birth. This was scuppered when I failed my glucose tolerance test and was referred to the diabetes clinic, which meant the NHS no longer considered me a good candidate for home birth.

There then followed a number of frustrating hospital appointments where the consultant repeated that she couldn't support a home birth and I repeated that it was all very well but I was unlikely to make it to hospital so her position wasn't helpful. After a referral to the consultant midwife and a long discussion, they eventually allowed my community midwife to help me plan a home birth as plan B for if labour looked to be progressing fast.

I finally felt as though things had taken a turn for the better, but at 36 weeks it was confirmed that Badger Cub was breech - this is where the baby is head up, presenting their bottom as the part to come into the world first. The consultant told me I would of course be booked for a cesarean section at 37 weeks. It felt as though my world had ended.

I got in touch with a lovely local independent midwife for advice. She pointed me at various sources of information around breech birth and reassured me that breech was just a variation of normal. I did my research and came to the conclusion that cesarean was far from the inevitable outcome. Breech birth has become a rarity in hospitals, and the NHS default recommendation is cesarean section. This means that the skills are being lost in hospitals, but community and independent midwives continue to see some, mainly because they are not diagnosed until labour begins.

I attended two ECV clinics, where they attempted through manipulation to turn Badger Cub. They failed. My consultant begrudgingly agreed that I was making an informed choice to birth vaginally and the cesarean was booked for just before 42 weeks - the race was on.

At 40 weeks and one day I woke up with mild contractions, as I had been doing for weeks. Father Badger and Baby Badger joined me for breakfast and I ate my toast and tea (for which I was later very glad). I realised that I was having to lean over the table to get through each contraction so we called my parents to say that they would probably be needed that day. I sent Father Badger upstairs to shower and dress, and when I stood up a few minutes later my waters broke! Father Badger persuaded me to call the midwives, we summoned my father to collect Baby Badger and I headed for the shower.

While in the shower I had three more contractions, so things were progressing fast! Two midwives arrived moments later - I had been on their red alert board for a few weeks due to the expected fast breech labour - and I headed to the kitchen where I was planning to labour. I continued to progress on all fours (the best position for breech) and one of the midwives confirmed I was already eight centimetres dilated. The ambulance they had called had arrived and Father Badger was busy making them tea when the midwife suggested I transfer to hospital in case of complications. I trusted her judgment and agreed.

I was bundled onto the trolley on my side with my TENS machine and a sheet draped over me to retain some modesty (a neighbour described me as a tent on wheels as I headed out to the ambulance). I was also told to use the gas and air to stop me from pushing, so the remainder of the birth is a little foggy: Father Badger filled in the blanks for me!

Both midwives got in the back of the ambulance with one paramedic, while Father Badger travelled in the front with the other - this turned out to be a good thing as the ambulance had come from a different county and had only been to the hospital once! The student midwife who had been caseloading me had just arrived so she followed in her car.

The journey must have been 20-30 minutes. I puffed away on the gas and tried my utmost to breath through the contractions, managing until we were almost at the hospital when I yelled that I couldn't stop myself for much longer. Apparently the paramedics were discussing which entrance was closest to the birth suite, and whether they should reverse up to the doors - everyone was aware how close I was to giving birth.

I was wheeled in to one of the delivery rooms and asked to move onto the bed. I did so and got onto all fours, but I was shortly asked to stand on the floor and lean over the bed. I had made it clear in my notes that students were welcome - breech birth is so rarely seen in hospitals and I wanted as many people as possible to learn from the experience. The room was packed - Father Badger counted no fewer than 12 people! A registrar was sat behind me for the delivery with several students, some newly qualified midwives, my student and the two community midwives. I'm not entirely sure who the others were but they asked the paramedics to leave as there wasn't enough room for them!

I was relieved to hear the consultant arrive - not the one who I had been under the care of, but the one that had performed my second ECV attempt and had been fully supportive of my wish for breech birth. He supervised the registrar, ensuring he kept hands off (essential for breech birth), and I pushed. Having watched many breech birth videos and read about how it works, it was a bizarre experience. I felt the bottom emerge. I felt the first leg come down, then felt a bit of assistance from the registrar to bring the second leg down. Badger Cub apparently then sent an arc of wee across everyone watching before wriggling himself round ready to bring his head out! The registrar supported the body and popped a finger into his mouth to bring his chin to his chest and he was born. Badger Cub was a little bit flat but my wish for delayed cord clamping was respected and he was passed through my legs to be where I cuddled and rubbed him until he picked up, no assistance required.

That's it folks! No doubt I'll write further about breech birth, as it's definitely an interest of mine now. Something to look forward to, huh?

Image: http://www.getbabied.com

Another Badger has arrived!

As you may have worked out from my recent Silent Sunday posts, Badger Cub has arrived! He has been keeping me busy, mainly as a boob appendage as he's an enthusiastic feeder. Obviously, there will be a birth story to follow, just as soon as I get both hands free for the keyboard for longer than five minutes!

Baby Badger has reacted amazingly well. She spent the night with my parents on the day that Badger Cub was born, coming home the following morning with grandma and grandad. She clocked him on Father Badger's knee while I gave her a hug and kiss (we made sure I was free to see her), but decided not to go over and instead spent a couple of hours playing on the other side of the room. Once that initial period was over she came for a peek and since has been excited but gentle, wanting to hug and kiss him but without flattening the poor thing!

She has, however, been playing up a little with us. Dinner time and bedtime have been slightly fraught, and taking longer each day as she pushes boundaries, but over the last few days things have taken a turn for the better. I'm guessing it's nothing unexpected - her life has been radically altered. I keep reminding myself of this and hope that I have the patience on reduced "I've got a newborn" sleep to get through the next month!

Image: Jonathan Fitch / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Turn baby, turn!

Disco Inferno...

I'll stop with the cheesy pop references soon, but they're stuck in my head for now.

Needless to say, Badger Cub has not yet made an appearance. I was so convinced he would make an early break for it, I now feel as though I'm overdue at merely 37 weeks and two days. I finished work on Friday so I'm officially in the thumb twiddling stage. I think I'm going to slowly go insane.

As expected, last Tuesday's scan confirmed the breech position and I was referred straight through the the ECV clinic, run by a midwife with a well-known high success rate for turning babies. Unfortunately it didn't seem to be my day. They tried twice, once without drugs and a second time with intravenous salbutamol (relaxes the uterine muscles, gives horrendous palpitations & anxiety for 2-3 minutes), but no success.

Assuming Badger Cub has still not arrived, I'm back in for another ECV attempt this Tuesday with a male consultant with "big strong thumbs". Ooer... I'm guessing I'll come out feeling a bit beaten up, but it's worth a go.

My current plan is to go for vaginal breech birth. I've done a huge amount of research, talked to midwives both NHS and independent, and have agreement from my consultant. As I pointed out to her, they wouldn't usually schedule a c-section until 39 weeks, and with my history I may go into labour well before then anyway. It was at least reassuring to be told that Badger Cub is the best kind of breech - he's in a flexed position (knees bent almost in a lotus position, presenting bum first) and average size (likelihood of complication rise both for large and small babies).

I have to admit though that I am more than a little nervous.

Image courtesy of maya picture / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Obviously the photo is not of me. My tummy looks nowhere near as good as that...

It's the final countdown...

Dada-laaa-laaa dada-la-la-la... (cue cheesy eighties rock in my head).

I'm closing in on Badger Cub's due date now: 1st February. I'm also rather near the 36 and a half weeks that signalled Baby Badger's arrival - that would be 5th January - this Saturday!

It's been a tough few weeks. Because of the speed of Baby Badger's arrival, I've been told that the slightest indication that labour is on its way and I should head to hospital. That has meant two rather boring five hour stints in the Maternity Assessment Unit, being prodded, poked, monitored and (eurgh) probed. It luckily turned out that the first time was unusually strong Braxton Hicks and second time wasn't actually a membrane rupture.

Scans and the various prodding keep confirming that Badger Cub is stubbornly breech, although they haven't confirmed the actual presentation. I'm trying not to worry about that - as long he's not foot first I have faith that I can deliver without too much issue. I'm guessing that I will, once again, be referred to the ECV clinic to attempt to turn him. My next midwife appointment is on Friday, so I'd be referred to next Tuesday's clinic. This is feeling all too familiar from Baby Badger's final week in the womb - she arrived three days before I was scheduled for ECV clinic. That again tallies with 5th January being the big day. Hardy conclusive, but I just keep getting the feeling that he's coming out soon...

As a result, I am categorically done with being messed with. I'm feeling rebellious; belligerent. My consultant has finally acknowledged that I'm borderline on the gestational diabetes scale; that I only just fall under the risks associated with the "condition". The developmental stage of this pregnancy is done, with the remaining time down to putting down body fat ready for birth. My blood sugars have not indicated raging issues so I'm not worried about Badger Cub producing excessive insulin. The scan I had a couple of weeks ago clearly shows he is bang on average size, so I obviously haven't had raging sugar levels before I started monitoring. Quite frankly, the monitoring of sugar levels was making me miserable, so I've stopped. I'm still eating a low GI diet and reluctantly avoiding cakes, chocolate and the nice things in life, but I refuse to stab my fingers.

I'm sure at some point they'll rant at me; tell me that it's against medical advice. I've done my research; I'm an intelligent, educated women, and it's my choice to make.

Image: www.europetheband.com

Annoyed, chocolate-free and rather like a sieve

So... who got the right answer in the sweepstake? It turns out I was borderline on the glucose tolerance test, which makes me "query gestational diabetic". And I mean borderline - I was 10.6 on a value that should have been under 10. And I can't help thinking that it might be down to the fact that it took me 25 minutes to get the Lucozade down!

I was referred to the diabetes clinic at the main hospital, had a rather brief chat about what I should be eating and given a kit for stabbing my own fingertips six times a day to test my blood glucose levels. I came away thinking that it was certainly an inconvenience but not the end of the world.

Over the next few days I became more frustrated. The pamphlet I was given gave me very little information about what I could eat and in what combination (which apparently matters). Food that I was worried about gave no sugar spike, and food that I felt should be fine did. It seemed that the easiest way to get the right numbers on the meter was to eat nothing but meat, cheese and eggs, and surely that's not healthy?!

On Tuesday it got worse. I spoke to my midwife to set up an appointment and asked if she had been kept up to date - she hadn't even been told that I had been referred. I found out that because I had been referred to the diabetes clinic I was officially out of midwifery care for the birth and that she had to advise me not to plan for a home birth or one at the local midwife-led unit.

To some mums that wouldn't be an issue. To others, that might be disappointing. Quite frankly, it's sent me into a bit of a panic. Baby Badger was born in record time, and its expected that Badger Cub could come out even quicker - perhaps as little as 30 minutes from first contraction to pushing. The hospital is 45 minutes away from my house on a good day, and that's without traffic, waiting for someone to drive me there and someone else to take Baby Badger.

I've now reached the point of annoyance. I've done lots of reading around gestational diabetes. I've talked to an acquaintance who is an independent midwife. Everything is pointing to there being nothing wrong with me: my readings are within normal parameters for third trimester. I'm guessing the hospital are covering their backs with the referral - they're better off monitoring someone who is healthy that not monitoring someone who later turns out to have related issues.

The problem is that in doing this they are preventing me from planning the birth that is almost inevitable, and as a result my stress levels are up and I can't concentrate on anything else. Add to that, I feel as though my diet is worse because of the monitoring.

Definitely annoyed.

Image courtesy of pakorn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ready, steady, push!

I'm getting nervous now.

Baby Badger arrived over three weeks early, and was very fast: a mere 45 minutes between first noticeable contraction and pushing! My midwife referred me to the consultant because of this and I had my appointment a couple of weeks ago. They are not particularly interested in seeing me again (which suits me just fine), but did say Badger Cub is likely to be early too, even if not quite so early, and to expect it to be as quick if not quicker (he mentioned 30 minutes being a possibility this time)!

If you're a mum who had a long or even normal length labour, you're probably wondering what I'm complaining about...

I'm at least 45 minutes from my nearest hospital, and that's on a good day with no traffic. Obviously, there's no way I'll be trying to get there - I'd rather not give birth on the ring road in the back of the car.

There's a midwife-led unit less than ten minutes drive from my house; the place I wanted to go with Baby Badger but couldn't because I hadn't reached 37 weeks. I'll be aiming for there this time, but I'm worried that I won't make it to 37 weeks again, in which case they're not allowed to take me.

The plan I've agreed with my midwife is that I should prepare for a home birth. Not my ideal scenario, but pretty much my only option. I'm not nervous as such about doing it at home, but I am nervous about who, if anyone, will be with me.

I was lucky last time that my waters broke overnight, which meant that they were easy to notice when I woke up. I might not be as lucky this time: they might not break until labour is established, or if they break whilst I'm upright I may not even notice (apparently Badger Cub's head might stem the flow). If this happens, the likelihood is that Father Badger won't make it back from work in time. There's a fairly good chance that the midwife won't make it to me. I feel as though I might be in the very real position of having to deliver my own baby, and quite frankly it's a scary prospect.

Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net