I get up. Get the kids ready for school/nursery. Get myself ready, not bothering to brush or wash my hair and simply tie it back into its bun. Drop the kids off, go to work. Throw myself into work, because I know no other way, but also because I can ignore how I feel outside work if I make this all-consuming. After work I collect husband and children, often from three different places. Make dinner, do bedtime. Stare at the television for an hour, then off to bed. All of this times five, then a weekend where I'm so emotionally drained that I can't engage fully in their lives. And then it begins again,
I don't want to look back on my life, the only reflection being "I was bloody good at my job". I've had enough of feeling second rate at mothering. I've had enough of being fat and fed up, good intentions beginning each week with lunchtime walks and healthy food, crashing off the wagon by Wednesday to grab the sugar and caffeine needed to make it through.
Father Badger wants me to ask to go part time or to quit, not the first time it's been suggested. I'm not comfortable with part time, nor the conversation I'll have to have to request it. I don't have the courage. I fear that part time will mean my overwhelming work ethic will lead to trying to cram full time effort into part time hours, which is not a good solution, leaving me too exhausted to benefit from the extra time at home. Quitting is terrifying in its own right, even though I think about it on every commute. I've never been financially dependent on anyone, and it'll effectively end my IT career as tech moves on so fast.
For now I'm making one last attempt at sorting myself out with minimal scary changes. Food planning, daily walks, early nights. My project manager husband is insisting on a "review" at the end of April to look for progress in my physical and mental health, because honestly it can't carry on this way.
A raw return to blogging, but I'm hoping it will be cathartic. I'm assuming no one is reading as I've been gone so long, so give me a shout if you've made it this far...
Image courtesy of radnatt at FreeDigitalPhotos.net